gift

~ I need a nice gift ~

i love receiving gifts   &   i love giving gifts   -   equally!

Both acts give me the same (though mirroring) effect :

The buzz / fulfillment / joy of getting it right; 

Others for me  &  I for others. 

But it is not the present that i love! 

never have...

It is the sole realization of  s o m e o n e  getting me  r i g h t  !

Why, we so often feel we are coming through to our chosen few around us, and feel really content about it. 
Then, for a moment i think:

"Do they really?"

"Do they see me or they simply see in me the parts of them they need/want/recognize/crave?"

"Do they see me or are they molding me into themselves?"

Gifts, for me, is a truly ingenious & sincere way to see what others 

want from me, 

expect of me, 

need of me, 

believe of me; 

"Believe of me" translating to "Getting me" in my mind.

This is why the thought put into the gift is much more important that the money spent in it. 

This is why, at its core, gift-giving involves risk (ref. Mark Osteen):

The risk of giving the wrong gift carries the psychological loss of having the recipient conclude that the donor just doesn't know him/her quite that well (...if at all).

An even worse realization for me is that the donor might "get me" alright, but consciously prefers to force bits of his/her personality in me instead. 

Oh, how sad... how much I would simply prefer to "simply not get me" than that...

Finally, a gift might "get me" through the accompanying feeling. 

The present itself might be crap/useless/uninspired/completely wrong, 

but, while handing it over, 

the donor might give me the best hug ever, 

the best look through our eyes, 

the bestest wish, 

the greatest attitude, and

love through & through...

Oh, 

how I will  a d o r e  my crap/useless/uninspired/completely wrong present 

&  c h e r i s h  it as a g i f t  !

Then again, there are the gifts that have it all:

Excellent present, loving gift, perfect attitude !

Like the one I received last night:

Love, Alva

grateful

The importance / forgetfulness of being grateful

Everybody is grateful, of course...

Grateful for being alive, for living a life, for eating, seeing, speaking, thinking, loving, being loved, etc, etc, etc…

I so often talk about being grateful, and how me and my friends and my fellow citizens and quite most of the western-type people are being so lucky in living the life that we do.

And then, 3 seconds later  

I  f o r g e t  !

A subtle but thorough DELETE is performed on my moment of gratitude and completeness and I go on with my so-called grateful and “lucky” life by complaining, being moody (of course for no apparent reason) and wishing on things or feelings or ideas that I am not even sure about. 

Then, something  w o n d e r f u l  happens again, like 

a phonecall from a friend, 

   a nice conversation, 

      a warm evening, 

         a melting brownie, 

            a child's laughter, 

               great sex, 

                  a sincere hug, 

                     a dive in fresh sea, 

                        a new pair of earrings, 

                           etc.

                              and I remind myself that  n o  n e  of these could have happened, and I could be blind, deaf, paralyzed, dying, or simply be living in Sudan and praying for 30 minutes of some safe sleep. How lovely not...

So, I need to,  n e e d   t o,  n e e d   t o  not be grateful when something good happens to me, 
cause not only this is easy, 
but it would be plain stupid not to.


So, my 1 and only New Year's Resolution is this:

Be grateful to begin with, and not as a response...

Be grateful at first, and then verify that what is happening is actually pretty nice!

Of course the curse of forgetfulness is always always there, 

so I have started doing little gratitude exercises, like reality checklists. 

For example:

* I stand by my bed when I wake up in the morning (typically I would rush to the bathroom) and feel the warm wooden floor under my naked toes. 

I realize the amazing feeling of balance I perform on all toes to stay standing. AFter all, I worked so hard for it when I was 9 months old!

* I close my eyes in the shower and stand still under running water.

I feel the luxury of having these still, safe minutes all to myself, without having to rush to anything. 

* I stop rushing when I realize my son enjoys not getting dressed up in the morning, and enjoy along the morning no-rush. 

* I appreciate the ability to enjoy! Nothing should make me rush this gift.

*I smile when I open my laptop to work, or surf, or blog, or just clean it. 

I realize I have a laptop, I have an internet connection to the entire world, I can afford to spend my time using it. 

...Such a long list I can make for every 10 minutes that go by..........

I know it all sounds very romantic and plain, but I know this is what I need to keep me enjoying life and also to 

keep me  g i v i n g  in life

I also really enjoy listening still to a song. 

Taking in the music, the melody, the voice, the feeling behind the voice, 

and the message behind the feeling...  

Like with this one:

Love, Alva